


Fault

by Tamsydoodles



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 02:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamsydoodles/pseuds/Tamsydoodles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You really fucked it up this time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fault

Shit. 

You really fucked everything royally this time around. 

In all brutal honesty, you didn’t want to hurt her, _you never wanted to hurt her_. It just hurt you to be forgotten, lost in whatever little corner of her mind she shoved you in when she broke your fucking heart and then kicked and stomped and ripped it to shreds, then threw it in the dirt like she had any right to. You wanted to remind her that you existed, that you could be better than you were and that you would do your damndest to make her happy. Deep down, you know it was selfish as hell all along because you need her like you need air and maybe, just maybe she could knock some sense into your fucked up head. 

Science has failed you but you keep going, fighting the violet tears clouding your vision. You are numb and icy and drowning in a sea that you never wanted to be a part of. It is hard to resist the urge to cradle her and die alongside her just to tell her how sorry you are. 

It doesn’t matter how exactly Kanaya managed to recover from the gaping hole in her stomach (it occurs to you briefly that if she can it could be possible for Fef. It had to be true – you can run back to the horn pile and she’ll be there shaking it all off like it was a long nap and you can fall to your knees and sob your apologies. Damn if Sol sees or not, you don’t really fucking care anymore if she could be okay). 

You doubt it matters now. Feferi is most certainly still dead and Kanaya has an unfamiliar look in her eye that sends shivers down your spine. She’s going to kill you and there’s absolutely nothing you can – or want – to do about it. 

You feel nothing. She doesn’t look at you as she steps over your mangled corpse, her skirt just high enough to avoid brushing the blood leaking onto the floor. Never in your life have you felt so dirty, so low, and you cannot blame Kanaya for trying to keep her skirt free of filth. No wonder Feferi hated you. You’re worthless, you’re foul and evil and you deserve so much worse than death. 

The pain kicks in as you realize that your lower half is lying several feet away in a jumbled, bloody mess of blood and stripes. The world grows dark before you and it would be so simple, so simple to slip into the comforting nothing attempting to envelop you. As the lure of death becomes irresistible, you open your stained lips and thank the land dweller that killed you. 

You don’t think she hears you. 

 

You don’t spend too much time in the dream bubbles before you’re torn from white eyes and stitched into the absolute worst thing imaginable. Fuck Gamzee. You hate him more than you hate yourself.

At least you can both agree that you’re the worst piece of shit ever spawned. You don’t think too highly of him, but at least Vriska was behind his count of murder and it wasn’t just his stupid-ass abandonment issues. Time passes and you begin to talk to each other instead of spewing your garbled words at whatever human was unlucky enough to ask for help (fucking Jake English). The conversation is awkward and it makes both of you extremely uncomfortable, but it beats wallowing alone by yourself.

You see her (well, it’s not all her), but it’s close enough that maybe she can hear you and maybe she can see just how fucking sorry you are even though you know sorry doesn’t make a shit of difference. Feferi will never forgive you, but at least she’ll know that you came to your senses. Words tumble out in a giant mess of ii’s and ww’s and the only thing she does is scrunch up her face as if she was concentrating a little too hard. You’re almost there, she almost, yes she’s smiling at you! 

The kids are higher than Gamzee on sopor and you’re pretty sure they’re all going to get themselves killed long before they can rope the last one into licking the goddamn lollipop. You follow them anyway (should be a good laugh) and try not to associate too much with the sweaty, red sprite on the other side of Fefeta. 

FUCK

SHIT HOLY FUCK OKAY THAT WAS SO NOT YOUR FUCKING FAULT WHAT THE HELL OH MY GOD FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

Somewhere along the like you manage to make it back into the dream bubbles. After exploring all you could of the sorry, barren scape of wherever the hell you ended up, you come to the conclusion that there’s no way you’re ever seeing her again. It’s tough to convince yourself that that’s okay because deep down you’re still ten feet under for her and your soul aches to know she’s out there and you can’t find her. 

It’s better to be alone. Alone you can’t hurt anyone. 

A light breeze taps on your shoulder and you draw your knees closer to your chest. It was too similar to the way Feferi used to tap your shoulder when you were in a particularly homicidal mood. Better to brush it off than to turn around and be disappointed when you see nothing. A single tear runs down your check. The breeze taps again, mocking your pain. A third time comes, this time more insistent. You dare a sideways peek, just in case there’s someone there and it’s not just your imagination.

A single grey leg comes into view, the back of a green and blue skirt brushing against it gently, the tails almost grazing the ground. Delicate golden cuffs decorate the ankles above the simple fuschia flats you know all too well. You dare to look up.

Your breath hitches. Everything is right. She found you, after all that she found you and in a moment you are too happy to care whether she’s going to stab you in the back with her trident or sweep you off your feet like you always thought you were going to do to her. The look on her face is far from bloodlust, but it holds too much sadness to be that of love.

It’s okay. You finally understand how she feels instead of only the ache in your own fault. 

Feferi sits down without a word, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them, stray tendrils of black hair snaking their way past her tiara and onto her face. It takes her several tries to speak to you, the opening and closing of her mouth a telltale give away that she doesn’t exactly know where to go from here. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere, you know.”

You breathe in sharply.

“You’re not alone, you know. You’ve never been alone. You might think it now, but it’s not true.”

“I’m better alone, Fef,” you insist, clenching your fists tightly and looking away, “I can’t hurt anyone.”

She laughs softly, almost as if masking her pain. A delicate fingernail picks at a stray hem in her skirt. “We looked through all the Eridans, you know. There are tons of you around, but trying to find the alpha versions of us through dozens of failed timestreams is really hard.”

There are more of you. Great, just what the dream bubbles need. More fuckups. 

“After a while, it was pretty obvious that you weren’t there, so I started searching around myself.” She stops, her eyes narrowing as she sneaks a sideways glance at you. It takes you several seconds to read her expression and another to uncurl your arm from your knees and offer her an open palm. It’s easy to see the relief in her face as she takes your larger hand in hers and swings it gently. 

“You messed up, Eridan,” Feferi continues softly, and you look away. Her grip is too strong to jerk your hand away. “But it’s been a while and I’ve had time to think about it. Nobody took the time to listen to you, least of all me. I was so used to you complaining about a torn cape or how the land dwellers never cleaned up after themselves that when you really did cry for help I was too engrossed in myself to notice.”

Your head jerks back toward her and you can see she’s delivering what she’s rehearsed. It’s not wooden or flat, and she’s most certainly fighting back a few tears, but white eyes have again faced forward and she’s looking past you now. “Fef, it _was my fault_. Whatever stupid excuse I might have had is gone. I was a shitty moirail before the game and I’m still shitty now.”

Feferi shrugs. “I wasn’t perfect either. There’s a lot of stuff both of us could have done a lot better, and I see that in all of the doomed timelines I run across. But you can’t hurt anyone here, Eridan. There’s no point to moping around alone.”

You can’t exactly tell why your glasses are fogging up. 

“Everyone’s going to go right back to hating me like they did before, Fef.”

She stiffens, and the grip she has on your hand tightens enough to break bone. “Eridan, stop feeling sorry for yourself! No one is going to hate you because you’re not going to act like a pompous creep like you did for the entire Sgrub session, okay? It’s going to be just fine because here quadrants don’t matter and you can relax!”

Wind whistles past, whisking away the loud, frustrated words. Feferi’s grip loosens and her chin slumps back to her knees. You barely catch the next few words since they’re mangled by tears and a choke in her voice.

“All I want is for everyone to be happy and it’s going to work this time.”

“Yeah, Fef.”

Her head jolts up and whips to look at you. You know this wasn’t the answer she expected to hear, but you sure as hell hope it’s the right one. You clear your throat and continue, “Yeah, it’s goin’ to work this time.”

A smile spreads across her face and your heart melts. She’s smiling at you for the first time since you were wrigglers and it’s the best feeling you’ve had in sweeps. You’re not sure if it’s flush that makes your cheeks turn purple, but you’re not going to let your stupid feelings get in the way ever again. 

“Come on, then, silly!” Feferi chirps, pulling you to your feet. “Let’s get on with it!”   
She drags you away. Your feet are light and tears stream down your face. 

It’s all going to work this time. You've got a second chance and you’re going to do your damndest to make sure you never fuck this up again.


End file.
